… For me. You heard me. The perfect gift FOR ME. I’m tired of living in a society. I ain’t paying taxes anymore. I’m going to find a nice family to adopt me and live out the rest of my years in animal comfort. And I will sleep in a Squishmallow pet bed if it’s the last thing I do.
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1. Beula the Octopus Pet Bed
This Beula the Octopus Pet Bed is the perfect place to sleep. Octopuses (octopi?) are naturally friendly creatures. I saw My Octopus Teacher and I KNEW I wanted to spend my life running away from my non-existent spouse and children to screw around with a cephalopod for the better part of a year just like that guy! And with the Beula pet bed, now I can.
2. Fifi The Fox Pet Cave
You know, I’ve always dreamed of having one of those Charles Dickens-y beds with the canopy and four curtains, and the Fifi The Fox Pet Cave is the pet bed equivalent. Should I hear a bump in the night, I can sleepily clamber from out of the cave in my nightgown to go and light a candle and investigate. Or continue to honk-shoo and let the ghosts of Christmas Whatever alone.
3. Archie The Axolotl Pet Bed
Did you know axolotls can regrow lost limbs? I have a working theory (or hope, rather) that the Archie the Axolotl Pet Bed is totally indestructible, just like the creature that inspired it. If I grow angry with my owners, I can sink my teeth into this bed and vent my frustrations by shaking it around, and no matter how much stuffing I rip out, it will always grow back!
4. Tatiana The Dragon Pet Bed
The Tatiana the Dragon Pet Bed is about as Targaryen as they come. I can claim this bed as my own, and assert that I indeed have the blood of the dragon coursing through my veins. I don’t just RIDE dragons, I SLEEP with them. I mean – wait – like platonically. Like cuddle. Not whatever you were thinking. Eww.
5. Wendy The Frog Pet Bed
People think that puppies and kittens are the cutest animals in existence, but that honor actually belongs to frogs. Don’t believe me? Just look at this Wendy the Frog Pet Bed. Or better yet, google “cute frog vids” and prepare to be smitten by hours of adorable frog content. Their weird, wet little big-eyed goblin faces are just so lovable. Thankfully this Wendy the Frog bed doesn’t secrete mucus or whatever frogs do to keep themselves moist. Maybe they just stay in water? Whatever. I’m not a herpetologist.
6. Gordon The Shark Pet Bed
This Gordon The Shark Pet Bed is DANGEROUS. Look at this FEROCIOUS shark face. Absolutely NO monsters would dare hide under it. Not even super flat 2D monsters that could even hope to squeeze themselves beneath. When sleeping in a Gordon the Shark pet bed, nothing will haunt me in the night except for my own poor life choices.
7. Maui the Pineapple Pet Bed
Pineapple is an underrated fruit. For one thing, it grows upside-down on a bush. When the fruit gets ripe, the bush just falls over. That’s hilarious. Peak nature comedy. This Maui the Pineapple Pet Bed might not be bush-grown, but you can still see the hint of comic exhilaration its eyes. And to settle things once and for all, pineapples does INDEED belong on pizza. I would eat pineapple pizza while sleeping in this pineapple bed pet, no matter what the ops say.
8. Kevin The Koala Pet Bed
Cute as they are, koalas are actually the worst. They have the lowest brain-to-body mass of any mammal, which is why they think it’s a good idea to sit all day in a eucalyptus tree eating its poisonous leaves. They’re also RIDDLED with chlamydia. Hopefully, the Kevin The Koala Pet Bed is none of those things. The only thing he’s riddled with is fuzzy feelings.
9. Cici The Red Panda Pet Bed
Red pandas are in many ways superior to the regular panda. I would argue that they are cuter, and their scurrying, tree-climbing antics make them far more interesting than regular pandas that just sit around all day eating shoots and leaves. Cici The Red Panda Pet Bed doesn’t get up to any such antics, she pretty much just sits around all day – but that’s her decision and I have to respect it.
10. Cam The Cat Pet Cave
Another pet cave! I’m sure that this pet cave is not unlike the caves that our ancestors once crawled from. Cam The Cat Pet Cave has all the fixings of the real thing. It’s safe. It’s warm. It’s dark. You can draw on the walls. Sure it might not last millions of years, but everything is just dust in the wind anyway, right? Better to handle those existential doubts in a plush cave than a stone one.
11. Halver The Corgi Pet Bed
Whoever took this advertising photo missed the opportunity to put an actual Corgi in this Halver The Corgi Pet Bed. What gives? What kind of dog is this anyway? Is that a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel? Some sort of Schnauzer? I don’t know. There are too many dog breeds in this world. Thankfully Halver is one that I can recognize at a glance. Just like those weird little mop dogs I always forget the name of. Iconic.
12. Jerrika The Octopus Pet Bed
What’s this? ANOTHER Octopus? Move over Beula, because the Jerrika The Octopus Pet Bed. And Jerrika has RAINBOW feet. Or are they arms? Whatever, we love a gay octopus.
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